A LETTER FROM ENNIS
by Donna McIntosh
Summary: Ennis regrets the fight he had with Jack and writes him a letter telling how he feels.


Title: A LETTER FROM ENNIS

Author: Donna

Email: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

Rating: FRM – R

Pairing: Jack and Ennis

Permission to archive: Yes

Complete: Yes

Summary: Ennis regrets their fight and writes Jack a letter saying all the things he couldn't bring himself to say.

Warnings: None

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Annie Proulx. I just like to play with them.

A LETTER FROM ENNIS

Dear Jack,

I ain't much for writin letters but I got things I need to say and I ain't no good at sayin 'em neither. Figured, I'd give this a shot so maybe I can let you know what's goin on with me.

You and me said a lot of mean things to each other yesterday and I can't keep from thinking 'bout them. We ain't never had a real fight before and it's botherin me bad.

We been knowin each other a long time now and I used to think that seein each other just a few times a year was a OK thing 'tween us. One of them things you said was that you missed me so bad sometimes that you couldn't stand it. I felt that in my heart, Bud, cause I know you meant it. I'm here to tell you that I miss you something fierce too! Not a night goes by that I don't lay my head down on that pillow and wish you were there beside me. I guess I shoulda told you that but that kinda talk is hard for me. I guess, after all these years, you know that.

When we first got together back in '63, I just figured, we was having a hell of a good time and it would be something to remember later on. I figured we would each go our separate ways and probably see each other 'round and maybe have a good laugh at our antics up on Brokeback. Figured we'd both be happily married, with a passel of kids 'tween us. Things never go the way you figure. Never figured we'd have to come down off that mountain a month early; never figured on us partin givin me gut cramps so bad I thought I was dyin.

Well, we both of us, got married and had babies; but married life wasn't what I thought it would be. Worst of all, I couldn't get you out of my mind or my thoughts or my bed!

There wasn't a time with Alma, that I wasn't thinkin 'bout bein with you; wishin it was you instead. I know that ain't right and tried my best to push thoughts of you away but you are so damn stubborn, Jack Twist! You just wouldn't leave me alone! Don't think for a minute that I ever really wanted you gone; thinkin 'bout you has always been one of my favorite pass-times.

Bein with you is somethin I don't have the words to describe. Just seein you lookin at me gives me all kinds of feelin's I know I shouldn't have. I spent years and years tryin to hide those feelin's, pretendin they don't really exist; but they do, Jack. They are there with me all the time, every day and every night; especially at night. I can't lay down and close my eyes without thinkin of you, wonderin what you're doin and who you're with.

I'm sorry I got so mad at you when you said you'd been to Mexico. I ain't got no rights over you. You are a free man to go where you want and do what you want with whoever you want. It just pained me somethin awful thinkin of you with someone else. I cried like a baby most of the way home yesterday rememberin all those awful things we said. I got no right to expect you to do without month after month just waitin on me.

We need to fix this thing Jack. I'm not sure how we can but we need to. I've been givin it some considerable thought and I was wonderin how you felt about tryin somethin.

I just got 3 more payments to Alma comin to $375. I got a little more than that in the bank. I could pay her off with that and the child support would be done with. Only thing I got of any value is my trailer which I paid $3000 for five years ago. It's paid off now; I could probably get at least $1500 or maybe $2000 out of it. I got my two horses that would probably bring about $500 each. So all I could come up with would be a couple a thousand. It ain't much, but it's all I got 'sides my truck and we'd probably need that.

If we was to get a place together, and I'm sayin IF, we'd have to be real careful lest somebody finds out. Maybe get us a couple watch dogs or somethin, case anyone come after us in the night. Gettin a coupla guns would be a good idea too, I could teach you how to shoot so's you could actually hit something!

You been sayin you got some money saved up but these places round here don't come cheap. They cost a lot just to put up a down payment then you got to have cash money for stock, and feed and equipment. It ain't a cheap thing, gettin a place.

I gotta be honest with you, Jack. The thought of you and me livin together scares the shit out of me. I don't want neither of us gettin dead! You said I didn't want us havin a life together and that ain't exactly right. I do want that, more than anythin, but I gotta tell you, I'm scared! You know what they do to people like us if they find out. I been too scared to even think about it serious like but after what happened 'tween us yesterday, I have to admit we need to do somethin to fix this situation.

You and me, bein together would be a big risk and we'd have to watch our backs and be careful 'bout what we say to other people. We'd have to be careful every minute, Jack!

You think you could do that?

It wouldn't be no easy life. Ranchin ain't easy. It's lots of hard dirty work and we'd be lucky to clear enough money to pay the bills with. You wouldn't have no money to be buyin fancy clothes or fancy trucks each year neither. 'course we could plant us a vegetable garden, maybe get us some chickens and a milk cow. That would help keep expenses down a bit. I can't cook worth shit but I can do a few things. Macaroni and cheese from a box and some of that other boxed stuff ain't all that bad. I guess we wouldn't starve. We could go huntin in the fall and get us a nice elk and we could always fish. Food wouldn't be all that expensive. We'd have to get us a deep freeze.

You gotta think 'bout all these things, Jack, cause you'd be givin up a lot to come up here and go into the business with me. You gotta think 'bout Bobby too. I know he'll be 18 later this year and probably off to some fancy college but what's he gonna think 'bout his daddy goin off and livin with another man? He's almost a man himself now and he'll have a thing or two to say about this; you ready for that? And Lureen? You thought 'bout her? What's she gonna do with you gone? You think she can run that business by herself? You got a life down there in Childress and it ain't always that easy to just up and walk away from things.

It's different with me, here in Riverton. Junior's livin in Casper now and Jenny's talkin 'bout movin there when she finishes up her school next month. They got some kinda beauty school down there she wants to go to learn how to fix peoples hair all fancy. She's good at that kinda stuff and wants to learn more 'bout it. With both my girls gone and on their own, I ain't got the responsibilities I used to. I could leave here today and wouldn't no body miss me or care I was gone except maybe Alma lookin for that next check. Once she's paid off she'll be happy to see the last of me as I will be of her.

We gotta think 'bout all these things, Jack, and if you have; and you thought 'bout them good and long, and you still want to try and do this, livin together thing, then I say let's give it a try. If it don't work out, or you don't like livin with me, or get to missin your home in Childress, you could always go back and I could find a job someplace.

The more I think 'bout it, the more I think it's the right thing for us to do. I meant what I said before, Bud, it won't be easy. There'll be lots of days where we have to work our asses off from sun up till sun down and we'll fall into bed too tired to more than smile at each other. It won't be like it is when we been out in the woods campin. We'll have to work hard every single day and it won't be all just runnin 'round the place tearin each others clothes off and getting down to it. You gotta know that.

You think on all this what I wrote and I mean it, Jack; you gotta think 'bout everythin and decide if you really want to give up that life in Childress and move back up here. We won't be livin in no fancy town and eatin at no fancy restaurants and that kinda thing. Ain't none of them places round here like they got in Denver where people like us can go into bars and drink and shoot pool and that stuff. It'd be just the two of us and it'd be like we was walkin 'round with targets painted on our backs. We'd have to stay out of town as much as possible and keep to our selves. You ready for that kinda life? You think on everythin and give me a call. My number is . I'm home from work most evenin's by 6:30 or 7:00.

Yours truly,

Ennis Del Mar

Ennis folded the letter then set about looking through drawers and cabinets for an envelope. He couldn't find one so he pulled the one out of the electric bill and used that. He wrote the address on the back of the letter and folded it so it would show through the envelope window; licked the flap and stuck the letter in his jeans pocket. He grabbed up his jacket, jumped in his truck and drove to the post office. He went inside, bought a stamp out of the machine and mailed the letter.

The next few days were a blur of hard work and long hours but nothing he was doing could keep him from thinking about Jack and wondering what he would feel about that letter. He'd be thrilled and excited about it for a while, knowing Jack would come running back up to Wyoming to him then the next moment he was worried and concerned that Jack might be tired of it all. Jack had said that he wished he knew how to quit him. He'd made it plain as day that their relationship wasn't satisfying him any more. He went from happy and excited to doubtful and worried. Maybe Jack was never serious about them getting a place at all; maybe it was all just "Jack talk". That man did love to talk! He was a salesman at heart and knew all about saying what people wanted to hear.

Each night after work Ennis would sit with the phone near by; just in case it might ring. He checked it often for a dial tone to make sure it was working. The phone didn't ring.

He kept it on the bed side table each night, right beside his alarm clock and still it didn't ring. Two weeks had passed and there had been no word. He had driven straight to the post office each evening on his way home from work to check his mail then came straight home and waited for the phone to ring. No mail; no ringing phone.

He sat in his recliner eating Chef Boy Ar Dee spaghetti out of a can and thinking about Jack. "It's probably just as well," he said to the picture on the red label. "He probably never ate this stuff anyway and wouldn't like it if he did. Don't know what he's missin!" He stood and tossed the empty can into the garbage and rinsed off the spoon and put it back in the drawer. He reached for his usual bottle of beer but changed his mind and went for the Old Rose instead. He usually didn't drink whiskey during the week as it left him starting the work day off with a headache but tonight was an exception for some reason. He unscrewed the cap and poured a glass half full and went back to the recliner.

He pulled the lever on the chair that brought the foot rest up and leaned back. He took a swallow and let the burn mingle with the spaghetti a while before he took another.

"Jack fuckin Twist" he whispered out loud. "Where the hell are you; maybe off in Mexico; or on one of them 'business trips' you been goin off on?" "What you doin on those business trips, Jack? Somethin I don't wanna know 'bout? You so fuckin busy you can't give me a call or write me a post card or letter or something?" He finished off the whiskey and sat the empty glass on the floor beside his chair.

He was angry now and somehow, anger was easier for him to handle than the other fears he'd been having. He didn't know if he was more afraid that Jack didn't want to live with him or that he did want to. Each one had its own set of fears and he didn't want to think any more about them. He needed to sleep.

He pulled off everything but his undershirt and boxers and climbed into bed. He was exhausted; the thinking and worrying tired him out as much as the manual labor did. He lay there staring at the ceiling until his burning eyes decided to close. He dozed off.

The phone ringing went off like a siren next to his ear as he had rolled over with his head next to the side table. He grabbed for it and knocked the alarm clock to the floor.

"H'lo? Hello?" He sat up on the side of the bed. It was Jack! It had to be Jack!

"Hey, Cowboy, how do you feel about Buffalo?"

Jack's voice comin through his beat up old rummage sale phone brought a warmth inside him he couldn't explain or put a name to.

"That depends; you talkin wranglin or eatin?" He wiped the sleep from his eyes and grinned into the phone.

"Neither; talkin 'bout a place 'round 30 miles south of Buffalo just off highway 259. Close to bein halfway 'tween Lightnin Flat and Casper. Close to my folks and your girls both. What do you think?"

"You found a place? Already? You serious?" The questions tumbled out his normally tight lips.

"You wanna take a look at it first? Or should I just get it in the mornin? It's 'bout the best in the area that's in our price range. House on it ain't much but we could fix it up. It's got 375 acres; mostly good pasture land; got 'bout 20 acres out back in timber. We'd have plenty of fire wood. Got its own water well and septic system. No city conveniences or nothing. It's been empty goin on twenty years now and the folks are eager to sell. They dropped the price a bunch when they saw I was serious. What do you think?"

"I think I like Buffalo. I been there once before when K.E. and I were workin in Worland. Nice place if I remember." He couldn't believe they were having this conversation. He reached over and pinched his arm, hard. He felt the pain; he must be awake!

"Seems nice; little bigger than Riverton; seems to have everythin we'll need. Think I should go for it then?"

"You got my letter then, Jack? You think 'bout all them things I said?"

"'Course I got your letter, Cowboy, didn't you hear me hollarin? I think everybody in the state of Texas heard me!"

"OK then. You think we can do this then, go ahead, but it might take me a while to sell the horses and my trailer."

"I been thinkin 'bout that too; like I said, the house needs lots of work. Why don't we just keep both the horses and your trailer? We're gonna need horses anyway and you got two that are mighty fine and used to us; and we could stay in your trailer till we get the house fixed up some."

"If I don't sell the trailer, I won't have nothin to go in on this with you?"

"You got what we need, Ennis. We need horses to get around the place on, and we need a place to live till we get the house fixed up. You got the knowledge to put this place together. I don't have any of that stuff. I got the money to get it all goin but it ain't any good without what you got in your head. That's worth more than money."

"It don't feel right, me not puttin any money in."

"Hell, Ennis; money ain't everythin! Didn't you tell me just last summer 'bout some family that came up there from Dallas with tons of money and got a place and in a couple of years they was broke cause they didn't know what they was doin?"

"Yeah, they sure enough didn't have a clue to what ranchin was all 'bout."

"Well that's what I mean. You do! You got all that knowledge and years of experience in your head. If that rich Dallas man had that, he'd still be rich!"

"Yeah. It was a shame, alright."

"You know all about ranchin, and I know about sellin. One thing I did learn down in Texas is how to run a business. I know how to check out the market, I know how to deal with people and convince them they need what I'm sellin. I know finances, budgetin and I ain't afraid of hard work. You and me can do this, Ennis. 'Tween the two of us we got it all!"

"You in Buffalo now?"

"Uh huh; Stayin at the Motel 6."

"Been waitin to hear from you; took you long enough."

"I had some stuff I needed to take care of. Lureen and me went to see a lawyer to get the divorce started. I had to get my truck serviced and some new tires put on. I've been lookin into properties all over Wyomin and finally got loose to check into a few. I've been up here for three days now checkin them out. I wanted to get a place first so we'd have some place to go. Thought it would be better than the two of us drivin 'round the country side, stayin in motels, lookin for a place. Thought it'd be safer."

"Sounds like you did read my letter after all."

"I did. And I agree with everythin you said in it. We do need to be careful. What do you think? Should I get the place or do you want to check it out first?"

"Did you check out the soil? The water well?"

"I did. Got the reports right here. It's a nice place, Ennis. I think you'll like it."

"I guess you'd better go for it then. What do you need from me?"

"Maybe you could see about gettin freed up. You know, pay off Alma, quit your job. I could come there tomorrow after I seal the deal at the bank. We could hook up your trailer to my truck and you could haul the horses in yours. We could be back up here by evening. What do you think?"

"I think you're a crazy son of a bitch, Jack Twist!"

"You got that right! Crazy 'bout you!"

"You really think we could pull this off?"

"I sure do; been plannin it for years and years now; just needed to get it into that thick head of yours that we needed to be together full time!"

"Well if you're crazy enough to try somethin like this, then I guess I'm with you on it. It won't be easy."

"Hell, Ennis, when has our lives ever been easy? I ain't lookin for easy; just wantin you and me to be together like we should be. We both done right by our families now it's time we thought about ourselves; what we want to do with the rest of our lives. I know what I want and that's spending every minute I got left on this earth with you. Don't care if it's workin our asses off or just layin in the grass next to each other, or anythin in between. I want it all; and I want it with you."

"You make it all sound possible, Jack." That old fear began to cloud up in Ennis again.

"It is, Cowboy, if you want it enough to work for it and take that risk."

"I do, Jack. I'm just scared is all."

"I know. Can you get to the bank tomorrow and get Alma taken care of? I can be there about mid-mornin and we can head out."

"Yeah. Bank don't open till 9:00. I'll go on out to the ranch first and quit my job. You best get a PO box there in town so I can have my final bills sent there. I should have enough to cover them with my last pay check. Won't be comin to you with much, Jack."

"You'll be comin to me with what I need most; your knowledge and experience; money can't buy that."

"I'm really scared."

"You want me to come over there tonight? I can always seal the deal with a phone call and stay there and help you get the trailer ready to move."

"No, I'm alright. Best if you seal the deal in person; get the papers all signed and everythin."

"Once I sign those papers, I'll have the keys and we can just drive right back here can go straight on out to the place and move in. But I don't want you getting all worked up tonight and changin your mind on me now."

"I won't. Decision's been made. Just havin a hard time seein it happen is all. I mean I been waitin for you to call so we could talk 'bout it. Didn't expect you to call and have a place already practically bought and fixin to move in."

"This too fast for you? I could just move in by myself and get to workin on the place and you could come on later if you want. Whatever you're comfortable with."

"NO! I wanna do it tomorrow like you said. It's a good plan. Best to make the cut fast and clean. We wasted enough time thinkin 'bout it; let's do it."

"Good. You got a pencil handy?"

"Eh yeah, somewhere here." He dug through a drawer and found one with a broken point. He took out a kitchen knife and sharpened it.

"OK, what you want me to write?" He picked up the newspaper and found a blank spot in an ad to write in.

"555-267-4948 Room # 16. You get to worryin or just need to talk, you call me. I'm gonna try and get some sleep now, I'm exhausted. I'm still pinchin myself; havin a hard time belivin I ain't dreamin all this."

"Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I know, Ennis. I've always known that. I love you too; and you have to know that."

"Yeah, I guess I do. It's nice to say it though. Ain't never said it to nobody but my girls."

"Me neither. Just to Bobby and my Momma. It's always been you, Ennis. Ain't never been no one else in my heart but you."

Ennis swallowed the lump in his throat. "See you in the mornin then?"

"Yeah; soon as I can get there."

"I'll be waitin. Night."

"Night."

Ennis drove out to the ranch at first light and spoke to the foreman. There was no problem there. Ranch hands often left with little or no reason and they had always been on good terms. The foreman wished him well and agreed to mail his final check as soon as Ennis wrote to him with the new address.

He came back to his trailer and began to ready it for travel. He didn't have all than many breakables but secured the lamps and dishes etc. He made a trip to the local laundrymat and washed his clothes. By then it was nine and he made his trip to the bank. He withdrew his entire savings which amounted to $783 and closed out his account.

He then drove over to Alma's house and stood knocking at her door. She answered it with her usual frown and went into her usual spiel about not seein Jenny when it wasn't his rightful day. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the money and handed it to her, telling her it was the three final payments.

"What do you mean, you're movin? You got yourself another job out on some dirty old ranch? That trailer of yours too good for you?"

"I'll be goin now, Alma. I just come by to pay you these last payments so you didn't think I run off on you. I'll be takin my trailer with me and I'll send you a address as soon as I get one so you can get in touch with me if the girls need me."

"You ain't even tellin me where you're goin?"

"Don't know any address yet. I'll let you know when I get one." He hurried off the porch and down the steps. He was weak with relief once he was back in his truck again.

Her sour accusing face always pained him to see but this time, he was sayin good bye and he drove away from her house with a soft grin on his face. He was through with her for good and he was glad that sad chapter in his life was over.

He drove on over to where he had his horses stabled and saw to it they had a good feed and fresh water. He brushed them both down good and was happy that he didn't have to sell them. He had become very attached to their gentle nature and didn't want to part with them. It was close to 10:30 when he got back to his trailer. He wandered around picking up stuff, lawn chair, hoses, broom, garbage can and brought them all inside, ready for the trip.

He had only short time to wonder what time Jack might make it there when he heard a truck pull up out front. He went to the window over the kitchen sink and looked out. Jack was climbing down from his truck; big old silly grin on his face that he was trying to hide, keeping his lips tight together and trying NOT to show the world how happy he was.

Ennis yanked his front door opened and Jack came in with a rush. The door closed behind them and they were in a crushing embrace, straining against one another.

"Say it again," Jack whispered in a husky voice, "I want to see you say it." He pulled back just enough to look Ennis in the eye.

"I love you, Jack Twist. I always have and I always will." It was easier to say now that it has already been said and the feel of the words on his lips made him smile. He wondered why he hadn't said them before; it was almost as pleasant saying as it was hearing.

"You won't be sorry, Ennis, I promise you. Just a couple hours drive and we'll be home." He held up a set of keys.

Ennis took the keys and fondled them in his hand, a smile curling the corners of his mouth.

"I ain't had a real home in more years than I can count."

"You do now. C'mon what do you say? Let's go home."

One last long passionate hug and kiss and they were off; on their way home.

THE END


End file.
